The Hotel, of which I have not written in a while

Oh, the Hotel. The place where I work, the place that provides a paycheck, the place that garnered Sunset Magazine's award for the "Best Hotel in Wine Country for 2016."  The Hotel that I could not afford, if I so wanted to stay there. Yes, I know that writing about the Hotel is ..... perhaps sketchy since I don't always say nice things.  But I haven't spoken about it in months, or years, perhaps. It is time.  I will refer to it as the Hotel because it deserves that capital letter H.  Or does it?

The Hotel is small, it is quiet, it is not in town. It has few amenities. Amenities seem to be the new Buzz Word in the younger crowd, and by that I mean the rich youngsters, in that 24-34 age group. They actually call and say "I am thinking about staying at your hotel (and right there I am thinking "who cares?") and I want to know what your amenities are."  My response: And what do you mean and what sort of things are you looking for? (Because I am not always sure they know what 'amenities' means and I want them to spell out what they think they want and need.) 

Then when they list the amenities they want, it's easy to tell them that we don't have any of them: no pool, no bar, no room service, no porter, no discounts, no lobby where they and their 6 friends can hang out and drink. That drives a lot of them to other larger places, which is totally fine and appropriate. 

But some persist. Some want to create in their own head the illusion of perfection and they want our Hotel to make that happen. Massages, yes, we can do that.  Room service, no (see above.) Packages for ..... whatever, no we don't . Early check in, late check out, a special breakfast menu just for them, it goes on and on and on and I delight in saying "no and no and no."  I almost delight in saying No to almost everything but I stop myself when it comes to simple things like "is there parking?"  I want to say NO but I do not say that. I smile and nod. They can't see that on the phone but by then I have made them grateful just to get a room, so if they are not able to park their car, it will be OK. Fairies will deal with that. (Yes, we have parking, and I do tell them that. Eventually. And at that point they are So Happy! Parking! YES!)

Oh, and then today we had the small family with two VERY LOUD CHILDREN and a dog. Oh, please, Universe, do not send us children. EVER.  But of course, they come.  And they are always (95% of the time) loud and unbehaved and the parents think they are cute and charming. Since I work most mornings, I have to tell the parents "It is not a good idea for little Dickwad to run around the lobby  because we are carrying hot plates of hot food and trying to help other guests  because you are NOT the only people here at the Hotel."  That falls on deaf ears.

I sometimes resort to corralling the kid and saying, in a firm and scary voice "STOP RUNNING!" (but sotto voce so no one else can hear) and if I am lucky the kid is afraid and if I am really lucky the kid bursts into tears.  At that, I feel I have done my job as a front desk manager. But then the parent appears and I pretend to be on the phone and I can use odd sign language to point out to the parent that I have NO IDEA why their kid is crying, maybe he ate a fly or something, while I go back to my imaginary phone call. Those are my best mornings! Ate a fly! YAY!

Oh, it goes on and on. Today, the day of the Apocalyptic Rain Storm, it was a bunch of guests who had reservations for tonight but were too afraid of falling water to make the drive up from so far away. Like from San Francisco.  We are on a little hill, there is no flooding. But whatever, I told them all the pertinent information and then, because the owners said so, I let them off the hook, let them cancel their reservations for no penalty and that happened several times. 

Then I think: "Why do I care?  It isn't my hotel, who cares if the guests get to cancel because they are too lame to drive in rain? It ain't my circus."  And the answer to that is just this: it is because I am a stickler for the rules; I think that coming up with a lame-ass excuse to diss the rules means NO, you cannot diss those rules and I am a bitch.  It's all of those factors combined.  Rules, Dissing, Bitch.  That's my trifecta of Hotel world.

I could go on but hey, enough is enough. Bitchiness has run its course.  (Note, please, the use of its. Oh, there's that sorry Bitch of an English Teacher still roaming these halls, you better be on guard for that!)  Ok.   Enough about the Hotel, for right now.  

Be careful out there.  The falling water, although lovely, holds evil in its small cloud purse. (That's what the Native Americans taught me, I am totally not kidding.) But in reality, there is no evil unless you are standing under a tree that falls on you. Water is good. Rain is lovely. The tree that falls on you is evil. Those are facts. Trust me. The cloud purse sings.  Hmm.....

LTBT (an old Indian saying.)