and now, just the death part........

I was out at Mom's today, and I was not prepared for the change in her from Monday. I had talked to Steve and Joe and Kate, all of whom had seen her in Tuesday and Wednesday but still.  Because of the quick downward spiral, and I guess because of what was going on in her body, it was difficult for her to breathe.  It sounded like a person drowning in her own lungs, like phlegm was her only breathing device, not air.  And there were other details that I will leave out.  Suffice it to day, from 9:00 until 2:30, when I left, it got more and more difficult to bear. 

I only hope Mom was not conscious of anything. I held her hand, her eyes were open often, but there was no response from her at any time, so I hope she was unaware of it all.

The health care person encountered some things outside of her realm and she called for a nurse.  A registered nurse arrived about 2:15. We explained what was happening and the nurse was totally on board with everything, was going to do an assessment of Mom's condition at that moment.  I knew I could do nothing to help and I was already a bit shaky because of some stuff that was happening.  I bowed out.  Everyone in the room, the nurse, two student nurses and the health care person gave me a hug, which was so, so kind.  When I left, I kissed Mom on the forehead and told her that it was fine for her to go any time, just to let it all go.

Fifteen minutes later I got the call that Mom had died. My first response was "oh, thank god." There was such relief on my part, I didn't want her to go through another night of that terrible, labored, hurtful breathing. 

There is so much more I can say but I will say it in the next couple of days. I am really glad I was there today, in one sense, but really sad at the same time. It was a very difficult day for me. I do not have the beside manner that some of my siblings have.  I want answers now, I want to know who is coming to help, I want to know who is giving Mom the morphine when I leave, on and on.  But the people helping her were so kind, and so understanding and so concerned about me, it was amazing. 

Whew.  What a week. She was in the hospital last Friday and released because there was nothing to be done and now, 7 days later, she is gone.  A quick exit and she is on to the next level. For her, she believed in heaven, so I hope for her she gets there.

It is beautiful outside right now, I am still at the mansion for this last evening, and I am going to take my small (!) glass of Scotch outside and salute Mom and my incredible siblings who were so amazing during all of this.

Just a note:  there are things I would have liked my Mom to see in her life.  If you have a Mom, and you think "Hey, Mom would love to see this" then make sure you take her.  It doesn't matter what it is.  I regret that Mom never got to meet Sam, a youngster I took care of for a while when he was an infant. Mom saw photos of him all the time.  She often asked how Sam was doing and she would have enjoyed meeting him.  I regret that I didn't take Mom to a French restaurant and let her taste foie gras.  And I should have taken her out to the ocean in the last ten years of her life.  But those are small regrets.  Mostly, it was nice to have her around and get to take her out for coffee and take her on little car rides.   Be  nice to your Moms.  

later.
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