Parents, here or gone, during this pandemic

For those out in lockdown land with elderly parents, I send my heartfelt sympathies and I wish unending strength for you.  Elderly are the most vulnerable and to know your parents may be frightened or ill and to realize that you cannot help, cannot see them, cannot simply be at their bedside, I can only imagine how devastating that might be.

My siblings and I are glad our parents are not here for this. They would die, most certainly, and we would be in that group who could not help.  

However, the strangest thing has happened to me which has caught me completely by surprise. For some reason, I am missing my Mom's voice right now and I wish I could call her on the phone.  For years I would call Mom every Sunday, no matter where I was. In the 1990's we did not have cell phones so payphones were the only option when traveling. Mom always knew when I was out of the country, of course, and when she picked up and realized it was me the first thing she said was "Where are you?" She loved that I was on an island north of Sicily or in Rome or especially when I was calling from Paris.  But if I wasn't traveling, I called her as well, of course. 

Perhaps it's a product of living alone and living in a rural setting without a neighborhood that I can call my own yet, or perhaps it's just this overwhelming sense of impotence and uncertainty, a bit of fear and .... loneliness.  I live alone, yes, but I am rarely lonely.  But now I find myself there, in that state of missing contact.  And I can't really do a fucking thing about it.

Hence wanting to call my Mom. Just to chat, just to get a little frustrated with her (in her later years) asking the same questions over and over and always turning the answers into something about her.  I even miss that!  Yes, I can call friends and my kids and we all have the Zoom thing going on but it simply isn't working for me all the time, emotionally.  Well, talking to the kids works,  but I am one of dozens of their conversational contacts.  For my Mom, it was always special when one of her kids called, and feeling special might be what I am jonesing for right now.

This is not a self-pitying whine, I know to my core that I am so lucky about where I live, that I am safe and well fed (burp! too well fed....) and I remain healthy and all that.  And I don't miss my Mom.  But I do miss her voice on the phone.

Stay happy out there. Share the love. 

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