In this past Sunday SF Chronicle, there was a story in the "Home" section about some woman in Kenwood who is the Perfect Hostess. She lives in a 4,000 square foot house on more than 13 acres, with views all around.... for her overnight guests (of whom there are dozens) she loves to have ironed Frette sheets for them and personalized bathrobes and water bottles with fresh herb water by their bedside.
Oh just gag me. She's a friggin millionaire. It is not difficult to be a good hostess when you have slaves and tons of money. The article was an insult to anyone who has guests this holiday (or any day) and is trying to make them feel at home without that pesky budget to get in the way. So here is my letter to my overnight guests this Thanksgiving holiday:
Oh, lovely guests. Thank you so much for sleeping over and not going out on the roads where you could be stopped by the CHP at a sobriety check-point, which my money and influence wouldn't get you out of if you blow over the limit. Which you definitely would given how much wine you drank in the past 4 hours. So I am happy you have chosen to sleep over.
I am also happy to say that you all get your own personal floor space! No one needs to sleep on top of anyone else (unless they want to, heh, heh) and while only a few of you get a door to close your room off from the dogs and the kitchen, at least you all get a room with a window. Natural light is so important to one's sleep cycle. If the dogs get up before you and if they try to lick you or hump you, just slap them on the nose and say "bad dog" and hope they don't care that you are sleeping in their space.
I cannot provide Frette sheets but I can assure you that each of you will get your own towel, and it will probably be a clean towel, too! There is a stack of towels in the bathroom and only the two towels on the bottom of the stack have been used to dry the dogs! But they have been washed as well, so no worries about ticks, or anything like that. Still, I would advise getting up early and using the best towels in the stack. Or feel free to share a towel with a friend!
The sheets we have given you are nice, clean and have also been washed recently. The pillows came from Salvation Army (bless them!) so I have nothing to say about them, but the pillow cases came from our linen closet, and we hope the smell of mold is now off of them, it has been a cold autumn and that linen closet just gets a bit of mildew now and then. The green tinge is natural, don't worry about it.
I hope you don't mind sleeping on the floor and good for some of you for bringing a blow-up air mattress! At least that will keep you off the rug where the dogs vomited a few days ago, not that you can still smell it or anything. Plus, sleeping on a mattress also gives you that extra protection against any crawly creatures that might come out once the lights are turned off. But once you turn the lights off you won't see them anyway, good news on that point!
Feel free to get up during the night and get a snack from the fridge. Great Thanksgiving leftovers are just waiting to be eaten, so help yourself. Don't mind the pit bull next to the fridge..... she's an angel, she's just guarding the food. She won't bite, I promise. If she snaps at you just toss some turkey to the other side of the kitchen and when she runs to get it, grab what you want quickly and dash out of the kitchen and slam the door behind you. But not too loud, you don't want to wake anyone else!
See you in the morning, or not. I will have coffee ready by 7:00 but you are all on your own for breakfast since I have to be at work by 7:30. Have fun. Eat the eggs, make toast, drink the coffee, have some vodka or bourbon, and please clean up the kitchen before you leave. I have left monogrammed sponges for each of you so you can all help washing last night's dishes. All of them. Fuck it, I cooked everything, the least you can do is clean up. And I am so grateful for that!
Thanks for everything!!!!
The Perfect Hostess
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