Spikes in my ears, shards in my eyes

I know, it is as if (4 very short words in a row there, how cool is that!) all I do is complain about my job.  Hell, maybe that IS all I do.  I can't tell because the job is pretty much all I do, six days a week, so if I complain too much, well, too bad.  It's cathartic, getting the angst outside of me and into the world where others, like you few readers, can deal with it for the two minutes it takes to read this.  Or, like not feeding little Marta, you can turn the page.  Metaphorically speaking, of course.  (That's from those ads showing a tiny, sad, refugee girl with the caption: "You can feed little Marta or you can turn the page."  We all turn the page.) You might be turning that page right now but you would then miss out on this incredible blog posting!

Today, at the hotel front desk, I had a moment where all I heard was the litany that I never want to hear again. Every guest who came in for breakfast had a trite, familiar, lame-ass phrase that I wanted to shove back in their mouth with the comment "Do not ever say that to the Front Desk Staff again!"  Here is a partial list.  For some there is a commentary. For others, no commentary is necessary.

1. When is this rain going to stop?  Never. Does never work for you?
2. Is it going to rain tomorrow?  Who the fuck do you think I am, weather.com?
3. Do you have an umbrella I can borrow?  How much space in your gigantic suitcase, in which you could carry a load of circus dwarfs, would a small umbrella have taken up?
4. Do you have decaf coffee?  I believe it's in the pot that says DECAF but I could be wrong.
5. Can we get an espresso?  Do I have a Starbucks tag on my shirt?  No, drink what we have or go away.
6. But you had that espresso machine out yesterday, can't we use that now?  No.  And please do not ask the follow-up question about "why not?" because I will then need to scald your tongue with this hand-held flame thrower I am currently holding.
7. Are you the owner?
8. What kind of trees are those?
9. How old are those trees?
10. How old is this hotel?
11. Do you live here? Actually, yes, I live in those 100 year old oak trees that I do not own.
12. Where is the hot tub? Oh my god, are you blind?
13. Can we have a late check-out?  
14. Can we check in early?  This is normally asked by people either showing up at 10:00 am or calling at 9:00 am. The answer is always NO.
15. Can we have more towels? You haven't even gone to your room yet, what the fuck are you planning on doing in there?
16. Is there Wi-Fi?  What does that mean? I have no knowledge of a Why Fy? Who are you? What year is this?
17. Do you have cable? Do you mean jumper cables? 
18. Are these bags of chips free?
19. Can I get more bags of chips?
20. What time is checkout? Right now. Just get the fuck out of here, now. No chips, no cable, no hot tub, just leave.

Now, some people might think the above is an exaggeration but I assure you it is not. I didn't list the Best Questions Ever because those are completely unbelievable.  I share two of those with you right now, just so you might feel my pain.

1. Are the eggs gluten free?
2. Is this orange juice synthetic?

I have answered yes and no to both of those questions as the situation warranted.  I have also served gluten rich toast to people who asked for gluten free toast after watching them devour two regular muffins, an order of challah french toast and several pastries made with puff pastry dough. I have lied about the bacon we serve, explaining that it is, indeed, from free-range pigs that have been fed only a diet of acorns and carrots. (Kidding about that one, actually. Well, sort of.)  I have lied and told guests that no, the restaurants in town are not very good and for a good meal they should drive to Napa, only an hour away. And that "locavore" was short for "loca in la vorella" meaning crazy in the village.

This is the hospitality industry. Hospitality means being close to a hospital so that anyone who accidentally gets stuck in the eye with a fork does not have a long way to travel for help.  God knows I ain't helping them, not with a fork sticking in their eye.  Yuck.

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