As my kids get older (both in their mid-forties) I am unsure what my position is in their lives. More important, I am not sure what their position is in my life. They are my children, yes, but I can't refer to them as that. Children are small. These two people are grown-ups. I can call them "my kids" and I do, but that's a misnomer as well. But what is the correct term for one's grown-up offspring? There isn't one. Well, yes, you could say "progeny" or "descendants" or some such thing but no one does and those words aren't what I am looking for.
But I digress. My grown-up progeny (!) certainly don't need a parent now and I don't need to be a parent either. (Although I am sure I mother my kids more than I suspect. My daughter will call me on it now and then. My son is too discreet to do so unless I specifically ask.) So how does one define one's relationship to one's grown children at this point in one's life? (Too many one's there, but whatever.)
It's a good bet that my kids still see me as their parent because why wouldn't they? It's all I have been in their lives. However, while I am still their parent, I don't see myself in that role now. My role, to me, is a bit unclear, but they don't need a parent. That job was made redundant years ago. Do I even have a role and if so, what is it?
Herein lies the chasms. We have these children, we nurture them, protect them, teach them and love them unconditionally. There is no chasm. As children, we (the parental figures) are their entire world and for a while they are ours as well. Eventually a small fissure occurs, usually when we take them to school or day care, some place other than their home. They are separated from us. Then comes the day when they are seriously in school, away from us for 6 - 8 hours a day. That's a huge split, one that causes sadness and pain for both the parent and the child. (The tiny relief and joy that parents feel when the kids are off to school and thus not hounding us 6 - 8 hours a day is not relevant here. Just saying. And yes, learning occurs, but still, not relevant here.)
The huge chasm comes when the child realizes that there is another world out there, one without Parental Figures. This usually happens around the age of 11-14, perhaps earlier these days. Once the kid is in middle school and definitely in high school, that chasm is huge. The child needs independence. The parent doesn't know how to deal with this. The child wins, of course, because the parent knows that's the point of being a parent and the point of being a child: leaving the nest/home/safety. So the parent needs to let go. Or make a valiant attempt to do so.
The chasm is the distance the child needs to become a real person. (Note that I am not saying "adult" because a lot of adults are not real people.) The separation is the point. The chasm is the point. We, the parents, do not need to like it but unless we are idiots we always knew it would happen and we must accept it.
So now, the dilemma: we made these children with the clear intent that they would leave us and become new, whole people but .... now what? Their role is clear: go out and get a life. What's ours now? Yes, sometimes they come back and start over but eventually they are gone from our loving and happy home grasp and what is our job at that point regarding these adult children, kids, progeny?
It is clear that this is a topic I should have addressed 20 years ago. And I probably did. But now I see my adult kids and other than teaching them my skills at making pasta carbonara or giving them my recommendations about books to read, wines to drink, TV stuff to watch, my job is pretty much done. Well, it's not pretty much... it is done. They are whole people, they do not need a parent. They can both make a very good carbonara (I am still the best at that) and they have their own tastes in books and music and movies. Thankfully so.
Do they need me? Perhaps, but for what? At least I know they like me enough to want to hang out now and then. Is that a need or a want? Hopefully a want.
I am still figuring this relationship stuff out, as is obvious. There is more to say here. I will report back. Thank you for reading.
Yes to all that you said and more. I do think our children need us. They need to know we are there. We are a soft place for them to fall, only if need be. I don't know that they know it though and that's all right. We were with my mother after her cancer diagnosis and she said she worried we would be not be okay after she was gone. That's being a parent.
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