Wednesday was my Mom's 95th birthday. She had a minor fall a few days before that (but honestly, nothing is minor when you are 95) and her back was one big bruise and she was in pain whenever she moved. Five of her six kids and three grandkids and a couple of friends took her out to a local place for pizza and salad and wine. Not really a big celebration, but we needed a place to meet and they had a private room and it actually turned out fine. Well, it was fine for us, but not that fine for Mom. She just didn't want to do anything, but we sort of forced her to celebrate her birthday.
Long story short, it wasn't the most pleasant of days. It was great to have all of us together but it was exhausting dealing with Mom because she didn't want to move and every thing out of her mouth was sad and morose and depressing. It was certainly exhausting for her. Yes, she smiled a couple of times, but not nearly enough.
We all look at our selves and see the aging process at work. It doesn't matter if you are 30 or 75, that process is there. Who wants to be 95 and be in pain and have no recourse but to slog through another day, another week, another year? No one, of course. Even if the Assisted Suicide Law was in place in California (as it will be sometime in the next few years) many people wouldn't take advantage of that law to help them exit gracefully. My Mom wouldn't because she believes that it is killing yourself and then you would go to hell, as the Catholic doctrine teaches.
But there are many of us who really, really hope that law is in place for us when we need it. Living without a future is no life. Living without joy is no life. Yes, it is very subjective but we are humans and subjectivity is part of our mental and emotional constitution. We should be the judges of how long we want to continue living.
At 65 I am still physically able to do most everything I want to do but financially unable to do so and thus I need to continue to work. But that statement almost begs the question: why not do the things I want to do now, while I can, instead of making work the bigger priority? Well, there is the money issue and for me there will always be the money issue. How irresponsible would it be to cut back on work and thus earn less money but do more of the things I want to do while I can physically do them?
It's a dilemma, one that I ponder more and more. Today, driving home, I just wanted to keep driving, to go north to the redwoods in Humboldt county, to breath piney air. But work calls. But so do those redwoods. Work wins today but I want the redwoods to win more often.
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