"That would be in the butt, Bob!"

Is there anything more enticing to a reader than a headline that has the word "butt" in it?  Especially when the headline is the punchline of an old joke, no less!

But in the butt it must be.  Yesterday I had a colonoscopy, a necessary but not welcome procedure as we get older.  I had one about 15 years ago and because of that and  other factors, it was time to experience that joy once again.

As everyone knows, even if you haven't had one, the procedure is nothing compared to the prep.  The day before you can have no solid food, no caffeine, and you have to drink liquids all day.  Late in that day you begin drinking the poop juice, as I call it, which varies from putrid to disgusting, depending on who your doctor is and what punishment they assign you.  

My juice of the week was a gallon of stuff (a gallon!) that didn't necessarily taste bad because it had little taste but it was thicker than water and had a texture of something like watered down Elmers Glue. I had to drink a half gallon in three hours on Wednesday evening and after each cup my mouth felt like a felt-lined mouse nest.  I think I brushed my teeth five times in three hours. 

What the poop juice does to you does not need to be explained.

Thursday morning I had to drink the second half of the gallon in two hours.  Oh, joy!  Then for three hours before the procedure you cannot have anything, no water, no breath mint, nothing.

The crew in the hospital were incredibly nice, very personable and chatty. I had a lovely conversation with one nurse who lost her home in the fire and her emotionally mixed experience of having to buy all new Christmas ornaments.  Another conversation was about how strange it is that we will read stupid magazines in doctors offices even if we never read them at home.

The procedure is easy and quick.  The results were perfect.  I don't know what kind of drugs they gave me but I was in bed at 9:00 and I slept all night long until 6:00 this morning, which is rare for me.

Whew, that's over. And I know colonoscopies are not really a blog sort of topic, but in case you are facing one sometime soon, keep this in mind: it's a day and a half out of your life and it could save your life.  They are in and out of your butt in 20 minutes, it is painless and you feel like you took responsibility for your health for one shining moment.

But please, other than that, leave my butt alone!