Bless me Father, where's my iPhone?

One does not normally think "Catholic Church" and "iPhone app" at the same time but that's about to change. How modern and cool is this: an app you can get on your iPhone that helps fallen-away Catholics (as we called them years ago, but there was never any indication where they had fallen to) get back into the real meat of their religion by helping them get prepped to go to confession.  You log in, tell the app if you are male, female or undecided, tell them your age (don't lie, or you will have to confess that) and a list of questions comes up to help you make up a cheat sheet for the next go-round with the kindly priest behind the scary curtain.

No lie.  (I would have to confess that.)  An app to help you figure out what sins you committed since you last went to confession.  One would think that a sinner might not need that kind of help, but think about it for a moment.  It's been 35 years since your last confession and you were about 18 at the time. That makes you in your fifties.  You suddenly begin to doubt your mortality and those lessons learned from the Catechism are haunting you, as are those pesky Ten Commandments, all of which you have broken like a cheap china plate with the exception of killing someone.  And you actually did commit that crime in your heart, and we all know that counts almost as much as doing it with a knife.

Now you want to purge yourself of these terrible sins and lo and behold!  Confession does that!  Confession lets you tell your most dirty little (and big) secrets to that man behind the curtain and say a couple of Hail Mary's (or is it Hale Mary?) and all those sins are gone, your soul becomes, in that instant, as pure as a baby's butt.  Hmm, perhaps bad analogy, how about as pure as a bucket of freshly tapped maple syrup.  You are now longing for that purity but alas, the last 35 years have taken their toll in memory and honesty.  Did you really have sex with your first boss or did you make that up?  Does kissing a stranger and touching his dick at a Christmas party while your husband is working late at the gas station count as a sin?  You are confused.

This is where the app is essential!  With its guidelines, you too can go to confession with a comprehensive list of sins or quasi-sins to tell that Large Man behind the curtain, and even if you never did them, even if you think you might have dreamed them, once you leave that little booth your soul is immediately, miraculously as pure as the nose on a small pink bunny.

This is astounding news to me.  All these years, as a happily sinning Catholic (I wasn't a fallen-away one, I never fell, I just sinned my way out of the religion) but still a little fearful of the Great and Powerful Avenging God (not to mention the Great and Powerful small man behind the curtain) I was misled.  Now I get it:  get an iPhone, get the app, get the list and go confess.  How easy it will be for so many peeps who want to come back into the fold. Salvation is just a couple of touch screens away.  

Too bad I don't have an iPhone. Too bad I don't believe in the power of the Great and Terrible Oz behind the curtain.  But hey, maybe the confession app has an adjunct app that lets you promise money to that Oz person (or God, if you will) if he or she answers your prayers (or tweets.)  Should I text Oz-God about my job status and promise some money or a burnt chicken sacrifice if a job appears?  Hey, if technology can get you back on the heaven track, it surely must be able to get you back into the ranks of the employed.

Sigh.  If only. Dream on, even Oz can't give me what I need, it seems.  And god, well, I guess I will just have to wait for an app that appeals to St. Jude or St. Anthony. Lost cause, lost job. Now those are the guys to create an app for.

Weather forecast: No sun in sight. Dark and stormy skies with nothing even remotely approaching a paycheck.
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